I'm afraid I've been lying to everyone. Little lies, but lies nonetheless. For example:
Q: "Do you have a lot left to do?"
Easy Answer: "I'm not really sure. I don't think there's anything really big I still need to do."
Translated: I have so much left to do that I don't even want to think about it or talk about it. I don't have a garter, I don't have a bouquet, I don't have the programs ready. I don't have something old or blue or orange or whatever I'm supposed to have. I don't know what people are going to throw at us when we leave, or what my flower girls are going to carry, or what our minister is going to say. We haven't even touched vows yet. I haven't finished paying for the photographer, I haven't finished (or even started) some decorations, and I haven't gotten gifts for all of the people I'm supposed to get gifts for. I don't have a job, and I don't have any immediate prospects. I haven't found a new vet for Piper, I haven't packed for the honeymoon, and I don't know what my veil looks like with my dress. I don't know what songs we're using in the ceremony or what our first dance song is. I haven't finished packing, I haven't moved everything to Spanish Fort, I haven't even begun saying goodbye to Auburn or my friends.
I'm tired of making decisions about details that most people aren't even going to notice. I'm tired of thinking that the decision I make might displease someone...which is why I don't want to make decisions in the first place. I can see the battles looming ahead, so much so that I actually dreamed about them last night and woke up with a side of anger this morning. Sometimes, I think it would just be so much easier to let the inner bridezilla come out and take care of everything. To tell everyone that it is my decision and that's what I'm doing. To tell them that I DON'T CARE WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS. To tell them I don't want opinions unless I ask for them, and I don't care what they want or what they think would go best...it's not their decision. It would be so easy to let that happen. I would get my way. Everyone would leave me alone.
But, I'm rational. I'm polite. I'm Southern, and I aim to make my mother proud of the daughter she raised. And, I am a follower of Jesus. Jesus, who was never a bridezilla. Who never shot someone down if they had a poor idea. Who would say, "Well that's an interesting/ nice idea. Thank you for your input, but I think we're going to go with this..." Who would smile even when He didn't want to. Who would be mindful that all the people surrounding Him love Him and want what is best for Him. Who wouldn't stress over the small things or care about stepping on anyone's toes. Bottom line...being a bridezilla is not an option for me, regardless of whether I'm planning a wedding or working at the ACSC or packing or going to class or driving my car. It's not an option for any of us, really. Because God expects more than that of us. And we need to show Him more.We have the Lord...what more do we need?
So, here I am, 25 days and 6 hours away from marrying the man of my dreams, my best friend, the one who understands me the best...and I'm giving all of this to God. I know deep down, even when I'm freaking out about something, that He is going to soothe all of this worry and pain and anguish. I know that He has a plan for me, for a job, for mine and Reed's life. I know this. And I trust Him infinitely. I just have to remember that He is here. And, in 25 days and 6 hours, I'm still going to marry Reed. We are still going to grow old together and start a family together and fight together and love together and strengthen our individual walks with God together. And that makes all of this nasty wedding planning completely worth it.
