el orgullo.

I woke up this morning in a strange stupor. My mind was absolutely, to-the-brim, full. I lay there for a moment before finally deciding what was happening. I pieced together Sunday's sermon + the book I [finally] started reading Monday + my life.

Sunday's sermon: "At the root of our skepticism is our pride." Whether regarding Christianity or the guarantee behind a product in an infomercial or the story of a friend, we are all immediately skeptical. Aren't we? If our skepticism is rooted in pride, then our skepticism is a defense mechanism, protecting us from ignorance, being made fun of, insert-fear-here.

The Divine Conspiracy: "In His [Jesus] case, quite frankly, presumed familiarity has led to unfamiliarity, unfamiliarity has led to contempt, and contempt has led to profound ignorance." This is literally the opening line of the introduction to this book! I didn't even make it through the introduction before I had to stop and re-read everything. [Part of that is due to the fact that Jim is the one who selected this book for me, and I thought about him while fighting through each paragraph.] I think that "presumed familiarity" is tangible pride. If a non-Christian or newer Christian comes to us with questions about Jesus or about our more "seasoned" relationship with Him, don't we try to assure them that we have a strong relationship with Christ? Why would we want to let someone think we didn't? Pride. Pride! Pride causes us to be contemptuous of our Lord, and ultimately to be completely ignorant of Him. [Side note: a synonym for "contempt" is "scorn."]

My life: I have been and am being incredibly selfish. I feel that I should be more important, have more focus on me and my doings, and in turn I'm neglecting those that need attention and need encouragement. I let people think I'm okay with my relationship with God, because that's what they expect from me. I was an intern, a small group leader, etc. But the truth is that leaving the ACSC is harder than it seems. In one of his Secret Church sessions, David Platt lists assurances of salvation that aren't really assurances at all [which I guess is his point...we keep a checklist of Christian things we do, but if our intentions aren't right then none of it matters]. Just because you're involved in ministry doesn't mean you're a good Christian. It doesn't mean you have a more direct line to God or that your relationship with Him is better than everyone else's. It's time for me to let go of my pride and stop worrying about others' conception of my relationship with Christ.

I'm going to have to chew on this a little more. I didn't type this because I want someone to think I'm better for admitting my pride and for starting to work on improving things. Obviously, I'm not a writer. I'm not good at collecting my thoughts and spitting them back out in an educated fashion. If anything, I typed this because I didn't want to physically write it all out, and because I can come back and add to it or take away from it very easily. [My bad, I'm lazy today. Aaaaand I might be late for work...]

If you have time today, pray for my friend Krista and her little friends in Africa that she's working with. Pray for the Brinkerhoff family, the future of the ACSC, and all of the students there now. And, pray that we can all be stronger in putting aside our pride.

six months with the mister.

We made it. We're here at the half year mark. Some days were fabulously wonderful. Some days we wanted to rub the other one's eyes with jalapeno juice. Some days we were best friends, and some days we didn't speak if it wasn't necessary. I've learned that Reed is in fact the pack leader, and that Piper will listen to him always. I've learned that living with a boy involves cleaning things more often, but it also involves having steak on a stick (fork) for dinner. I've learned through numerous open letters via the internet that half of the world thinks we were too young to be married, while the other half probably thinks we were too old. I've learned how important it is to carefully study our marriage and constantly work at improving it, and not to compare ours to other marriages by which we are surrounded. I've learned that sometimes God throws you into a situation where the only tangible person you can rely on is your husband, and that is a life lesson in itself. Through the lack of a full time job, the frustrations of a small apartment, the frustrations of living far from our friends and families in Auburn and everywhere else, and the normal frustrations of life, we've made it. It's messy, but it's wonderful. 

when being a bridezilla isn't an option.

I'm afraid I've been lying to everyone. Little lies, but lies nonetheless. For example:
Q: "Do you have a lot left to do?"
Easy Answer: "I'm not really sure. I don't think there's anything really big I still need to do."
Translated: I have so much left to do that I don't even want to think about it or talk about it. I don't have a garter, I don't have a bouquet, I don't have the programs ready. I don't have something old or blue or orange or whatever I'm supposed to have. I don't know what people are going to throw at us when we leave, or what my flower girls are going to carry, or what our minister is going to say. We haven't even touched vows yet. I haven't finished paying for the photographer, I haven't finished (or even started) some decorations, and I haven't gotten gifts for all of the people I'm supposed to get gifts for.  I don't have a job, and I don't have any immediate prospects. I haven't found a new vet for Piper, I haven't packed for the honeymoon, and I don't know what my veil looks like with my dress. I don't know what songs we're using in the ceremony or what our first dance song is. I haven't finished packing, I haven't moved everything to Spanish Fort, I haven't even begun saying goodbye to Auburn or my friends.

I'm tired of making decisions about details that most people aren't even going to notice. I'm tired of thinking that the decision I make might displease someone...which is why I don't want to make decisions in the first place. I can see the battles looming ahead, so much so that I actually dreamed about them last night and woke up with a side of anger this morning. Sometimes, I think it would just be so much easier to let the inner bridezilla come out and take care of everything. To tell everyone that it is my decision and that's what I'm doing. To tell them that I DON'T CARE WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS. To tell them I don't want opinions unless I ask for them, and I don't care what they want or what they think would go best...it's not their decision. It would be so easy to let that happen. I would get my way. Everyone would leave me alone.

But, I'm rational. I'm polite. I'm Southern, and I aim to make my mother proud of the daughter she raised. And, I am a follower of Jesus. Jesus, who was never a bridezilla. Who never shot someone down if they had a poor idea. Who would say, "Well that's an interesting/ nice idea. Thank you for your input, but I think we're going to go with this..." Who would smile even when He didn't want to. Who would be mindful that all the people surrounding Him love Him and want what is best for Him. Who wouldn't stress over the small things or care about stepping on anyone's toes. Bottom line...being a bridezilla is not an option for me, regardless of whether I'm planning a wedding or working at the ACSC or packing or going to class or driving my car. It's not an option for any of us, really. Because God expects more than that of us. And we need to show Him more.We have the Lord...what more do we need?

So, here I am, 25 days and 6 hours away from marrying the man of my dreams, my best friend, the one who understands me the best...and I'm giving all of this to God. I know deep down, even when I'm freaking out about something, that He is going to soothe all of this worry and pain and anguish. I know that He has a plan for me, for a job, for mine and Reed's life. I know this. And I trust Him infinitely. I just have to remember that He is here. And, in 25 days and 6 hours, I'm still going to marry Reed. We are still going to grow old together and start a family together and fight together and love together and strengthen our individual walks with God together. And that makes all of this nasty wedding planning completely worth it.

monday evening ramblings.

Things I learned today:

• I still cannot look at pictures from my most recent trip to Honduras without crying.
• God watches those who are faithful and blesses them with really quick Boston marathon finishing times that were nowhere near close to the time of the explosions. So thankful my adopted mom is okay!
• Niffer's mexicali dip might just make Mondays completely better. 
• No matter how hard I try, I'm just not going to clean my room tonight. 
• I'm still getting married even if I skip a day of workouts.

I've been really, really beyond frustrated lately. People are getting to me. It's not necessarily things they are doing that directly affect me, it's more just like actions in general. People in general. The human race has to be such a disappointment to God. We think we're the biggest, when really we're the smallest. We think we're the most important, that our way is the only right way, and that we are invincible. We aren't. No one understands this. No one fully grasps it. We're a never-ending cycle of selfish beings...until He changes us.

Two of my best friends were married this weekend. Through the roller coaster of emotions that we all faced the past few days, happiness was the greatest (although exhaustion was a close second). This weekend restored my faith in humanity. It reminded me how important friendships are and that college friends are your family for the rest of your life. This weekend meant that today, I am exhausted, but my friends are happy and anything that happened Saturday was completely worth it.

Beautiful Sarah getting ready!

Bridesmaids' Luncheon

We did what the bride wanted...

Friends at the wedding!

The ceremony.

Trey, the picky eater.

First dance...

...last dance.

Best fiance in the world.

asking the littles.

Yesterday, I asked two of my favorite littles to be flower girls in our wedding. They were pretty excited! I have a feeling they'll be bragging to all of their friends at school tomorrow :]

john lucas- a taste of what's to come.

adios, 2012.

Well, it's over. I'm not feeling terribly great right now, which also means I'm not very sentimental right now. Regardless, I knew I'd regret it if I didn't recap my year. Via pictures, of course. 

In 2012 I...

rang in the new year with my favorite boy.

visited my people in my heaven on earth.

watched some of my favorite people graduate from Auburn & grow up.

saw some of my best friends get married.

studied abroad in Spain and left a piece of myself there.

took a side-trip to Paris for 36 hours.

celebrated with my sister as she married the love of her life.

started working at the ACSC.

burned sparklers at Lauren and Steven's wedding.

celebrated my best friends' engagement.

saw the Avett Brothers for the 3rd time.

watched Auburn's season go down the drain...

...with the best roommate God has blessed me with so far.

got engaged to the most wonderful man I've ever known.

and spent Christmas with my absolute favorite families. All of them. 

I'm beyond thankful for the life with which God has blessed me. I pray each day that I am living to the full potential He has for me, and that I can continue serving Him this upcoming year. He's given me so much to look forward to... more blessings from the ACSC, bridal showers, a trustworthy minister to do our premarital counseling, graduation from an amazing university, beginning a marriage to the most incredible man, relocating to a new town, and...only He knows what else. What an incredible God we serve! Happy 2013!